Widening the Container, Deepening the Roots

Many people come into therapy in some form of impoverished state, whether that be emotionally, spiritually, and even physically. It can be a condition sometimes expressed as being “on empty”, “at the end of my rope”, or “I can’t take it anymore”. Any way you describe it, what it comes down to is a feeling that there is a fundamental lack of capacity to continue managing whatever life continues to throw at you.

In my last essay, I wrote about using self-compassion as a way of turning towards and being curious about our suffering. What can make this so difficult is that our painful feelings, of sadness, anger, guilt, etc., can feel so overwhelming that we often develop coping behaviors to keep them “away” (i.e.: substance use, social media, unhealthy eating, social isolation, perfectionism, etc.). The sense of impending overwhelm and the attending coping behaviors often elicit an understandable chain of distressing emotions, thoughts, and behaviors. For example, if I really acknowledge the depth of my sadness, I will totally fall apart. If I totally fall apart, I won’t be able to put myself back together again. And if I can’t put myself back together again, then I am doomed to live a life as a wreck. The prospect of living my life as a wreck is terribly frightening and it’s safer to avoid my sadness through doing X behavior, thinking or feeling X. In this example, the fear of annihilation or falling apart keeps one at a distance from the reality and depth of one’s lived emotional life, as painful as it may be. Unfortunately, this distancing has consequences. It takes a lot of energy to maintain, which is exhausting, and ultimately it keeps us from the growth and change that we want so badly.

How do we build our capacity for being with all of our experience? There is not a one- size-fits-all answer, but typically it involves working with others in a safe and supportive environment. This can be a spiritual teacher, mentor, therapist, community group, etc. It also takes time and practice. Don’t rush into it, but rather work slowly and incrementally with patience, curiosity, courage, and compassion.

Part of this process, which can be done collaboratively in therapy, is a practice of expanding your capacity to be able to hold what is painful without fear of falling to pieces. This is not a process of “getting rid of” what is painful, but rather developing an internal spaciousness that is more expansive, trustworthy, and safe. There is a Buddhist teaching that goes something like, if you put a teaspoon of salt in a glass of water, the water becomes too salty and is undrinkable, but if you put a teaspoon of salt into a river the water still tastes fresh, it is drinkable and not salty. In this metaphor the amount of salt (painful feelings) stays the same but the volume of water (the capacity to hold painful feelings) is what changes.

I sometimes explain this to clients using two other visual metaphors of widening the container and deepening the roots. In an impoverished and constricted state, our containers may feel very small and fragile or our sense of stability and safety may seem to always be on the verge of being uprooted. Just the thought of facing our most difficult feelings can threaten to crack, flood, or blow us over.

When doing this work, I often visualize a basket or clay pot. Through a collaborative process, we can work together to identify and practice both strengthening and widening your container, your emotional capacity to be with the fullness of your experience in a way that feels safe, tolerable, and supportive. The other visualization is seeing your emotional self as a tree. If a tree has shallow roots it is easily blown over by the inevitable winds of life. We can’t stop the wind or natural changes in the weather, but we can work to deepen and strengthen our roots. How are your current roots? What holds you securely in place? How can you develop and deepen your existing roots and how might you grow new ones? Once you become well rooted, you can be flexible and resilient to the gusts and torrents of life, trusting that you are secure, strong, and robust below the surface.